If you visit my archives, you may notice that some of my posts surreptitiously describe or mention events that have changed my life drastically. These events have moved me to take a step back and look at my life from a different perspective. Depending on how you perceive it, these events may be unfortunate or a blessing in disguise, I will let you be the judge. It has taken many months of tears and questions to come to terms of where my life is now. Even today, the scars cause me to flinch and remember the dark times, but a quick glance around shows me that I have no reason to stay in the dark any longer. This is my story of those times and events that caused me great pain and shaped me into the man I am today.
A Lone Sail In A Vast Sea
I graduated from high school in the spring of 2000 and have been enrolled in an institution of higher learning since. When I graduated, I was proud to be attending Purdue University, one of the nation’s premier universities. I was going to study Electrical Engineering, but deep down, I had absolutely no idea what I wanted to study. I spent the first several weeks of the fall semester at Purdue crying because I was homesick and did not have very many friends. In high school, I knew so many people that when I had to eat lunch, there was always someone I could sit next to. In college, I had to make new friends, which I failed to do miserably initially so I had to eat alone for many days, probably weeks. It was a pretty rough time, but little did I realize that this was just the beginning of a journey that would span almost an entire decade.
The Plot Thickens
As I progressed in my field of study, I was retaking classes every semester because I was simply not good at any of my classes. In retrospect, it was not that I did not have the talent to be an excellent electrical engineer. In fact, the root of my issues was the lack of passion I had for the field. I remember that before I was accepted into the College of Electrical and Computer Engineering, I had considered other majors and fell in love with Industrial Engineering. My father, who has been both a pivotal role-model in my life as well as a thorn in my ass, forbade me from studying anything other than Electrical Engineering. His reasoning was that Electrical Engineering provided me with the best opportunity to have a stable career and was a well-paying field. My argument was that I should study something that I am passionate about, something that drives me to go beyond what my limits are. To this day, I still believe in that statement. Unfortunately, for some reason, I lacked the courage to defy my father and pursue another field of study. Rather, I worked up the strength to continue battling the relentless onslaught of poor grades and poor performances.
Some may argue that it would have been prudent of me to simply switch majors without informing my dad or just duke it out and do the best I can. However, I must digress with those persons. First, I had too great of a respect for my father to simply shun his words and go about my own career path in the way I saw fit. What if my desire was disillusioned and full of pitfalls? Second, I do not agree with anyone who says that you have to live with what you got. If I am not passionate about something, I will not pursue it. Why should I? If I am limited by something, why shouldn’t I find ways to break that limit or raise the limit? There is no reason why I should not simply accept something but at the same time, balancing respect and poor grades is no easy task. Due to the path I chose, I was always walking a fine line between being a student in good standing versus a student on probation.
The Pain Part I
My progression down this destructive path ultimately culminated in one of the most painful events I have had to endure. In December of 2004, I was working at GAP part-time for winter vacation. A friend of mine called and said that grades were released and he had just barely passed one of the most toughest classes at Purdue. I asked him to check my grades and he reluctantly told me that I had received two F’s, forcing Purdue to put me on scholastic drop for one semester. I stood there frozen and could not believe what I had just heard. I could see my life shattering around me as I fell to my knees in total shock.
Once the new year had begun, I visited the Dean of Students to inquire about my future plans and what I can do. He, Rob Mate was his name, advised me that I can reapply for admission for the Fall 2005 semester provided that I spend my current time pursuing academic courses at another institution and successfully pass those courses. He also mentioned that I had very good chances of being re-admitted because this was my first serious offense and that this was something very common amongst students. So I went about my life and took the courses I knew would transfer. How did my father take this news? He was actually quite supportive and calmly asked what I wanted to do in my life. I told him that my passion lied with Industrial Engineering and that he should support me in my path, wherever it may lead. He agreed and gave me his blessings.
Stumbling Back To A World That Threw Me Out
I applied for re-admission in late Spring 2005 and my request was granted by July 2005. At this point, I thought that everything was going very well for me. I was finally in the driver’s seat of my field of study and I was now pursuing a passion that I had long yearned for. With the support of some close friends and my parents’ blessings, I returned triumphantly to Purdue to finish what I had started a few years back. This time around, I had the determination to complete my degree and would stop at nothing to ensure that I succeed. Or so I thought.
Throughout the Fall 2005 semester I worked my ass off to ensure that all of my work was complete and that I was actually learning material rather than memorizing it. All that effort paid off in chunks as I was now seeing a positive trend in grades and passing classes with high marks. As the last round of midterms rolled in, that is when things took a turn for the worst. I ended up failing most of my midterms due to spending countless hours on projects and not having enough time to study for exams. This trend did start when the second round of midterms were in progress, but I managed to escape unscathed. Surprisingly, my poor performance on the third round of exams pushed me into a hole that was very deep.
The Pain Part II
I did not let my poor performance on the last round of exams to hamper my efforts to improve and move forward. At this point though, it appears to me, in hindsight, that I had fallen on some hard times and that I was forcing myself to move on rather than believing in myself. Ultimately, my finals went ok, but not enough to save me from what was about to happen in just a week after grades were released. I eagerly checked my grades and noticed that for two of my classes, my grades were F’s. I, immediately called my professors and argued about the grades. They admitted that I deserved a better grade and changed the grades accordingly. However, the damage was done and Purdue had deemed that my overall semester GPA was not sufficiently satisfying their minimum standard. Like the year before, I was kicked out of the university, this time for a year. At this point, Rob Mate, my Dean, told me that it would be much tougher for me to come back to Purdue and advised me to pursue an academic career at another institution. My father fought a great deal to have me re-instated, even threatening the university to take this matter to court. After some careful discussions, my father and I came to the conclusion that it was no longer in my best interests to stay at Purdue and that some “dark forces” would make sure that I never succeed at that school. And so once again, I was heartbroken.
Lessons Are Everywhere, We Just Have To Find Them
When I was first dropped from the university, I had an idea of what I can do and how I could go about doing it. In other words, I had a game plan that I knew would work. The second time around, I had no idea where my life was headed. I had no clue what to do. I remember, very clearly, that I spent many nights looking for places that I could live once my father kicked me out of the house. I was even contemplating suicide as a solution to my problems and to save my parents the trouble of knowing that their child was a failure. In fact, I came so close to taking my own life that I drew blood just as some force came knocking on my head and told me to stop. My dad did not kick me out of the house and he did not force me to do something. He told me to seriously think about what I wanted to do with my life and to simply go and get it and get a damn degree so that I can get a job. For the first time, I felt like listening to my dad and believing in what he said.
My dad helped me emotionally to become a stronger man and rise up to the new challenges that lay ahead. He told me to stay focused and discover within that energy that Purdue blew away. I started to rebuild my inner confidence, piece by piece. I spent countless hours asking myself what I wanted to do with my life and where I wanted to go. This journey of self-discovery taught me more about myself and unlocked within me a new passion and a new vision.
A Chapter Ends And A New Chapter Begins
Since it was no longer an option to re-apply at Purdue, I did the next best thing, transfer to another university. I went to University of Illinois at Chicago to see if they would accept me. After looking at my transcripts, they literally laughed and told me no. For the first time, I was ridiculed by someone in academia and laughed at for being a poor student. I cried because it was the only thing I was good at. So I went with tears in my eyes and a lump in my throat to Northern Illinois University. I had no hope from them either and I was prepared to be laughed at again. When I showed them my papers, they simply said that they want me to start immediately and that I was now a Huskie. Dr. T, the associate dean - his real name is complex, told me that whatever happened in the past should stay there. He said that my past is no longer a concern and that what I do know will define me and my future. Even the admissions counselor encouraged me to stay strong and forget the past. He also told me that whatever mistakes I made, I should learn from them and ensure that I do not make the same mistakes here. These kinds words gave me hope and a new life to look after.
The Rest Is Now As The Future Is Made
So where am I now? I have a 3.8 cumulative GPA at Northern Illinois University in the College of Engineering and Technology. I am pursuing my passion for Industrial Engineering and am ranked as one of the top students in the entire department as well as the University. I have already had a paper published at the national level and am on target for a bachelor’s by May 2008. This is where my life is now a blossoming rose. I am enjoying every minute of it and am thanking all those who have played a positive role with every breath. I am no longer upset with the past at Purdue because those events transpired to help me find the inner light that I proudly hold above my head now. I could not ask for anything more because life is beautiful and is teaching me everyday how to live it to the fullest. Obviously, I can thank any person who played a role in my life turning around; however, I want to only extend a gracious thanks to God. Without God’s advice, I could not survive today.
I am finally free of my past and I hope now you may understand that my life has not been easy. What you have just read is a quick snapshot of the pain that I endured. Telling this story has helped lift the last remaining burden on my chest. I can now continue my journey looking to future and sailing away from the dark storms that almost stopped me.
